I am grieving

My mum passed away in November 2021.

 

We’ll get to know eachother better before we go into all the details.The video you are about to watch is me crying, while I sit in my car waiting for my boyfriend to finish in the gym.

 

I am crying because it’s been a Week. With a capital W and a firm period. And I would normally talk to my mum about it but guess what? I can’t. And it’s not just today but tomorrow, next week, next month. I can’t have this conversation with her ever. Because she is not here.

As much as when I would talk to my mum it would sound like a one sided download. It was always a conversion.

 

I would be talking to her to hear what her perspective would be on my situation, my decision, or choice. To find out if I had missed something so I can be a better person or make a more informed decision in the future. I wouldn’t be talking for talking sake (I hate small talk it makes me feel awkward) it was talking with purpose.

The trigger for the crying was a message from my cousin

She’s like a sister to me and had sent a message to ask how I was doing. And I answered honestly. “I feel like with each day that passes the loss just feels bigger”. And those thoughts were heavy on my mind and spirit.

To keep my mind focused in idol moments, when it wants to wonder into sadness. I watch random stuff on any platform, YouTube, Netflix, Prime are my current platforms of choice.

 

Recently I have been watching Whitney Port reaction videos to Laguna Beach. Which is what I thought her channel was solely about – keeps her and us busy through Lockdown. But after falling down a YouTube rabbit hole I found out she made video diaries about her difficult pregnancy before the reaction videos. Her husband thought it would be a good idea if she shared her experience as it happened. Because it could help others who are experiencing the same or similar circumstances. 

 

That was also heavy on my mind as I was sitting in my car and it urged me to capture this moment and find a way to share it in a way that feels safe to me, on my own time and in my own way.

Anyway, here's the video

If you or someone you care about is currently grieving I hope this can help in some small way.

 

In the few months I have been on this journey I have learnt there is no other feeling like it. You really need to be kind to yourself, give your body and mind some shutdown time when they need it.

 

Otherwise you’ll be like me sitting in a parked car crying.

I hope by occupying this section of the internet I can give other girls and women the confidence and courage to stand in their truth.