The short answer is no.
For a solid year I have been telling anyone who will listen, that I want to change my life. Stop moaning about the same things and start doing what I really want to do. A year on I am still moaning about the same things, my life has not changed in the way I had intended and I am not doing what I really want. All of this leaves me feeling disappointed in myself, for not “getting it together”. Embarrassed to still be talking about the same things. And angry that I have become the type of person I never wanted to be. A person who talks the big talk, but never actually fulfills anything even though they have potential.
I have never been an underachiever. Never been a person who says they will do something and not get it done. So I have to ask myself, what’s gone wrong?
Working through the many answers to that question has caused increased anger and frustration. Because, most of the answers involve me allowing someone, or something, else to distract me from my goals.
Today is potentially not the best day to be writing a post like this. My period is due and my mood is low. Together they equal a short-tempered and highly critical Andrea.
But I do need to tell myself a few home truths:
Firstly, last week at work.
You fully became a version of a person who makes others feel miserable just because they are miserable about their own life. You are better than that. More importantly, you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that sort of treatment. It is not the kind of person you are. And if you carry on, it is a slippery slope to becoming that kind of person and losing everything you currently have.
Second, it’s okay to not have a plan.
Your whole life you have had a plan. Which is great and admirable and all those great things. But also motivation destroying when, like now, you are comparing reality to the plan and they aren’t matching up. It is important to understand, no accept, you do not need to know exactly how, what, where, when and why. All you need to know is what you want to do and how that will make you feel. Once you have that figured out, all you need to do is follow the good feeling feelings.
Third, stop thinking about what other people are thinking and doing.
A big part of the reason you haven’t got to where you want to be, is because you have been far too concerned with what other people think and what other people do. Concentrate on yourself. Not everyone is going to see what you see or be able to do what you can do. Find you’re own way. The journey to getting to where you want to be is the best part. You will learn so much. There is more than enough room for you to make your own path, so don’t try to follow the path of someone else.
Fourth, you have not disappointed your younger self.
14 year old you could not have foreseen all that has happened in the 14 years since. It is unproductive and extremely idiotic to think that a 14 year old could have planned her whole life. Tough love yes, but my gosh woman seriously! You have overcome and achieved so much in those 14 years. Celebrate it.
Finally, breaking the cycle of what is, is not easy.
If you stick to what feels familiar you will continue to find yourself in different versions of the same situation. Whether it is what you want or not. Do something that is unfamiliar. This may be initially uncomfortable. Do not let the discomfort discourage you. The unknown is only as scary as you want it to be. Think about what it will mean if you continue to chose the familiar over the unfamiliar. Will you ever know true happiness?
Take some time to think about what we have discussed.
If you really want to make a long lasting change you have to commit to it. You have to want to make the change. Use your fear of the person you will become if you do not achieve your goals to drive you. Your current situation is a real life example of what happens when you let the familiar rule. Take control of your life and you will find what makes you happy.
“If I can see it in my mind. I can hold it in my hand.”
Until next time,